when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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