i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
