I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
