its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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