sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
