Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
