4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
