So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
