Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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