Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
