and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
