Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
