Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
