Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
