My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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