This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
