i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.