my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.