The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
