Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
