dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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