Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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