I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
