drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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