Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
