Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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