He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
