Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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