It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
