GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
