Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
