Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
