Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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