when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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