i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
