Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
