Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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