What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
