two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just want nice things and good sex
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
