I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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