Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In America we eat man semen.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
