I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
