i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
