I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
