if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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