wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
my liver is dry heaving
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
