when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
