Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
