If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
