I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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