Taylor Swift is so right about you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
