so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
