I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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