Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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