Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
