From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
