Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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