my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
