Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
