My liver just broke up with me...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
