you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
