if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Your penis caused this!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
