he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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