After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
