It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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