Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
