I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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